Running on empty
"This book is not about what happened to you as a child; it's about what failed to happen for you as a child. It's an extremely subtle, almost invisible factor called emotional neglect, and it disrupts one's life in untold ways. Psychologist Jonice Webb, PhD shows how emotional neglect in childhood has an insidious effect on us as adults, causing us to struggle with self-discipline and self-care, or to feel unworthy, disconnected, and unfulfilled. People experience childhood emotional neglect to varying degrees--from a few subtle but important events to an entire childhood that's defined by it. This is the first book to give it a name and delve into the profound and often perplexing ways it influences our adult satisfaction and happiness."
Stats for nerds
10recommend
17mentions
12people
2011–2024years
76% recommend24% neutral
Mentions per year
What Hacker News says
- A couple years back my friends needed to drag me to the hospital after I flung far off the rails following about a week-long acid and coke bender preceded by a month or two of frequent mushroom trips. I was fully manic/psychotic and hadn't slept for days. I know that an opiate OD is a totally different animal but I can relate to your feelings of guilt/shame and the social fallout with people looking at you differently. Where you are now just sucks because not only do you feel at your lowest, but suddenly there's a distance in your relationships - your loved ones are concerned for you but may not necessarily know how to help - so just kicking back with your friends or family to take your mind off of it and cheer yourself up feels like its off the table. It can be very isolating.
I don't know if I have any great advice - it mostly took me time and space to heal - so patience and grit helped me most. Seeking a sense of connection to those who've experienced similar can help of course, too. There'll likely come times when you feel like you're bottoming out and its important to not use to try to pull yourself out of it. Gradually, people in my life looked at me like I was me again, and some of my closest friends never treated me any differently. Months later, someone might ask me how I was with an emphatic, concerned expression and it would annoy me since I just wanted to move on but I'd learn to let it go and recognize it as love and not pity.
Leading up to my spiraling out, substances (weed and booze in addition to the psychedelics) creeped their way into being the highlight in my life and I'd cycle them to avoid feeling like any given one of them was a problem. On the surface my life looked good - career, travel, hobbies, etc. - but I felt empty most of the time and nothing felt as compelling as getting blasted. I'm not sober but I dialed it way back and abstain from everything for long periods of time. I found Gabor Mate's talks/interviews on addiction on Youtube helpful as well as the book Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb.
- Do you feel that if someone really knew you, they wouldn't like you? Do you feel like you are different? Have you felt that there is definitely something wrong with you your whole life?
If those resonate with you, check out Childhood Emotional Neglect. There's a really good book called "Running on Empty: Overcoming your Childhood Emotional Neglect".
If you're moving countries that means you probably don't have strong roots or connections with people, and if you're seeking chemical escape, then you probably have a lot of things you are escaping from and not a lot of good things that give you good feelings.
The bad news is that if my questions hit, you're probably gonna need to seek out professional help.
The really bad news is that it's going to get worse before it gets better. It sounds like you can barely sustain work, and clawing out of an emotional hole takes work and takes choosing more pain, when you're already in pain.
- It's become clear to me in my mid 30s that I was very emotionally neglected as a child. I had literally no idea because I had nothing to compare it to, and the behavior of my parents feels relatively normal for when I was growing up.
It's my belief that this neglect has had a big role in the insecurity, lack of vulnerability, lack of self-esteem, and lack of honesty throughout my entire life. I don't blame my parents and I own my mistakes. But it's freaking wild to me that it's only now in my 30s that I'm going through emotional development that I can look back on and see people I knew in high school who had already done this sort of growth. After having read Running on Empty I started asking people about the dynamics with their parents growing up, and it really solidified how uncaring my childhood was in many ways.
- I always felt pretty different. I was never really "abused," but I grew up always feeling more connected with people who have divorced parents or with an absent father. Mine was right there, he drove me to soccer, how could I listen to Everclear and Linkin Park and feel emotionally attached to it? I was the model of middle America. As I grew older I always felt closer to "outcasts" and misfits. My general feeling of disconnected-ness and being different followed me wherever I went. I always felt different. I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I never understood why.
After reading online about what a great book Running on Empty: Overcoming your childhood emotional neglect was, while also feeling like I was running on empty, I decided to read the book. It felt like a biography. It made so much make sense and helped me understand why I've had the feelings I've had most of my life.
Abuse almost always comes with emotional neglect. As time moves forward I imagine most physical wounds heal, but the emotional ones are the wounds that don't heal so easily.
Here is the authors website with a relatively short read and I think anyone resonating with this HN article will probably feel "seen" by it: https://drjonicewebb.com/the-painful-secret-many-people-live...
- Hey you sound like me. I grew up similarly to you. What you experienced is called childhood emotional neglect. It's basically the absence of emotional connection with your parents. As in you did not get your emotional needs met by your parents.
There are a bunch of books on it now but the first was Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb. She describes it well. Someone here on HN recommended it a few weeks ago and I read it. And low and behold I identify with it completely and it explains a lot of my life. And now I am working to break that cycle with my kids and wife first and eventually my parents if possible. It's been a lot of hard work.
- If your parents were narcissistic with you since you were little, you likely suffered from childhood emotional neglect.
I am reading an excellent book on this topic called "Running on Empty: Overcome your Childhood Emotional Neglect " by Jonnice Webb.
To determine if you might be suffering from it, an excerpt from the book:
“Emotional Neglect Questionnaire
Do You:
1. Sometimes feel like you don’t belong when with your family or friends
2. Pride yourself on not relying upon others
3. Have difficulty asking for help
4. Have friends or family who complain that you are aloof or distant
5. Feel you have not met your potential in life
6. Often just want to be left alone
7. Secretly feel that you may be a fraud
8. Tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations
9. Often feel disappointed with, or angry at, yourself
10. Judge yourself more harshly than you judge others
11. Compare yourself to others and often find yourself sadly lacking
12. Find it easier to love animals than people
13. Often feel irritable or unhappy for no apparent reason
14. Have trouble knowing what you’re feeling
15. Have trouble identifying your strengths and weaknesses
16. Sometimes feel like you’re on the outside looking in
17. Believe you’re one of those people who could easily live as a hermit
18. Have trouble calming yourself
19. Feel there’s something holding you back from being present in the moment
20. At times feel empty inside
21. Secretly feel there’s something wrong with you
22. Struggle with self-discipline
Look back over your circled (YES) answers. These answers give you a window into the areas in which you may have experienced Emotional Neglect as a child.”
