No More Mr. Nice Guy

What Hacker News says

1. k9294Aug 2025
   I have quite similar problems. Not at a depression level, but decent ups and downs attached to my work and satisfaction with it.

   I don't feel much satisfaction in socializing, random conversations, hobbies, or relationships after the initial romance phase—they become boring. Work feels nice. My reflections and therapy have led me to realize this is more about proving self-worth and the desire to be proud of my work (for whatever broken childhood reason). It's a desire for external validation.

   I haven't solved this yet. I can say that I feel happier when I go out and do activities like learning salsa dancing or participating in a debate club once a week. Though these activities work (I do feel happier), I never feel like I fit into those groups. Right after the activity ends and the free, unstructured socializing starts, people become boring... salsa people socializing (booze, dancing, shallow conversations) or debate club people (just shallow conversations). It just feels dull.

   I recommend reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover - https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438...

   Either you'll find that it's about you and the book will highlight a lot of things, or it's not—then just toss it away. It helped me reconsider some parts of my life, as well as my behavior and attitude.

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2. nicbouSep 2024
   I haven't read NVC, but "stating unmet needs" is a strong aspect of "No more Mr. Nice Guy" and "Models". Being up front about who you are and what you want is a lot more likely to work than being nice and hoping your needs are met in the way that you expect. It's also a way to cut your losses early if the other person is not interested in providing whatever you're after.
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3. UniverseHackerNov 2023
   Here is my reply to @nocontextpls whose message had some legitimate points, but was downvoted:

   > No one has things figured out and you should not need to fix "serious issues" in order to have meaningful, deep intimate relationships with others. In my experience, most women in these dating apps are as much of a trainwreck as most men are.

   Nobody is entitled to a relationship, you need to be able to add value to someone elses life. For better or worse, what men and women want (on average) is different in relationships, and women tend to put more emphasis on emotional strength and stability when looking for partners.

   Moreover, men seem more likely to either experience "Nice Guy syndrome" where they are totally dependent on Women's approval and become a pushover or needy co-dependent, or the polar opposite, where they become aggressive and dismissive of others needs and opinions. Most guys facing these issues don't even realize anything is wrong, but women can spot them from a mile away and steer clear. They assume they're being discriminated against for some unfair reason.

   > People need to feel connected and hopeful. Telling them to take responsibility for their "issues" is extremely alienating. > How about we help each other in fixing our "serious issues"?

   That is what I am doing here. I am sharing some information that can guide people having a terrible dating experience towards solving these problems, so that they will be good partners, and won't be alone the rest of their lives. I have felt the pain of being rejected and unattractive... of seeing a partner of nearly two decades excited about someone else instead of me. I had to confront these painful truths about myself and do something about it, and I want to share what I learned with other men that might experience similar pain.

   My sharing of a painful truth, e.g. constructive criticism is done out of empathy and love.

   Here are some books I would recommend to any man having trouble finding dates, or building the relationships and life they want. These mostly focus on building a good life and mental state for yourself, where becoming attractive is a byproduct.

   When I say no, I feel guilty by Manuel J. Smith

   No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover

   Models by Mark Manson

   Taking Responsibility by Nathaniel Brandon

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4. galfarragemAug 2023
   I would try the original book on people pleasing: "No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. The title may sound lousy but is a very logical book. The author is a PhD in his 60s and he coined the concept. You can start by listening some podcasts where he was a guest. He's genuine and a great communicator. Definitely underrated.
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5. all2Apr 2023
   > Something about relationships or my partners slowly erodes them.

   Simply put: fear of losing access to sex will make many men compromise a lot. There are other things that can contribute to this, such as "wanting her to be happy" being conflated with "she will only be happy if she gets her way".

   I recommend you read No More Mr. Nice Guy and see if it rings any bells for you.

   A strong commitment to boundaries doesn't do a lot for you if you capitulate every time.

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6. coroboApr 2023
   These two books really helped sand down my people pleasing ways

   - No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover

   - I Used to Be a Miserable F*ck by John Kim

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