When I say no, I feel guilty

What Hacker News says

1. mlrtimeMar 2026
   That is anxiety, you either teach yourself or there is medication if there is bad enough.

   If it is just about saying 'no', read this book, it's helped a lot of people:

   When I say no, I feel guilty Book by Manuel J. Smith

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2. tikkunOct 2024
   When I Say No I Feel Guilty.

   Never Split The Difference.

   The Gift of Fear.

   Those 3.

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3. UniverseHackerOct 2024
   Doing hobbies that involve other people has helped me make a lot of friends- for a lot of men in particular, this is often really the only way to build friendships.

   Learning how to be emotionally vulnerable is key to actually connecting with people. The book "Models" by Mark Manson is a pretty good primer on the importance of emotional vulnerability to connect with people. It is sort-of a dating advice book, but I've found it helpful for making regular friendships and connecting with my own family as well.

   Another thing that is helpful is learning how to communicate assertively- which is the opposite of being emotionally manipulative. The book "When I say no I feel guilty" is particularly good introduction to assertive communication. A lot of people only learned emotionally manipulative communication, and will be avoided by almost anyone that sees that for what it is.

   Counter-intuitively, not being desperate is critical. Be willing to judge if someone is worth your time, and be willing to disagree with people or say no, without letting the fear of being rejected control you. The same authenticity and vulnerability that will make people really connect with you, will also drive some people away, and that is totally fine. The goal is not to be friends with everyone, but to make good friends with people you are compatible with.

   Therapy can often be helpful for developing all 3 of the above skills.

   Lastly, take the initiative to make things happen. Invite someone to do activities several times before expecting them to reciprocate. People tend to be busy, shy, stressed, etc. - just because people don't reach out doesn't mean they don't like you.

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4. UniverseHackerSep 2024
   You can pretty much eliminate angry disagreements in a relationship with assertive communication techniques- I recommend the book “when I say no I feel guilty.”

   I am okay if my wife disagrees with me on things- I don’t really care to convince her, there is usually no point in (or possibly of) doing so. If there is something that requires an actual real world action- and it is really important to me, she will concede even without agreeing because she cares about me, and I would do the same for her. Disagreements over simple life things can be a fun subject for light teasing, flirting, and joking that help you grow closer.

   I think a lot of people confuse honoring and validating each others emotions with matters of fact and opinion. People argue about facts they don’t actually care about, it isn’t usually what the conflict is really even about!

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5. UniverseHackerMay 2024
   The Discourses of Epictetus - This is useful to re-read frequently while thinking about any new challenges in my life, as these are powerful tools for managing hardship and generally living well.

   When I say no, I feel guilty by Manuel J. Smith - a book on assertive and non-manipulative communication. This has been incredibly valuable for improving my personal relationships and work. It's also allowed me to recognize and defend myself against emotional manipulation, which is more common than I realized. For many people that is the main way they communicate- by trying to control others with guilt through manipulation.. and I used to be both unaware and extremely vulnerable to it. It is useful to re-read and practice frequently, as these are skills that require practice.

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6. McDyverFeb 2024
   There's a book that addresses that, and might be helpful to you: "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" - Manuel J. Smith
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