Conscious Business

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1. ThatGeoGuyJan 2021
   First a disclaimer: I think combating dis/misinformation has been a Herculean task in the last two years. I am not an expert on this by any means, and the scope and social context of Brazil need to be taken into consideration. As I'm not from Brazil, I cannot help you with this.

   With that out of the way, the best book I read regarding conflict and resolution has been "Conscious Business" by Fred Kofman. While his strategies relate largely to the business world, they are applicable in a very general sense. I bring this up because these strategies will help you in framing and explaining why this matters to you.

   The main takeaway from the book is that you need to approach these problems from a place of infinite empathy. Remember, your final goal is not to "win the conversation" or have the last word, it's to come to an agreement of shared values and collectively (that means, you and your parents) build a strategy in combating the underlying problem.

   To build that strategy, I recommend taking a page out of the Less Wrong sequences, and _Hold Off On Proposing Solutions_ [1]. Somewhat ironic given what I am currently doing, so I suppose I have already failed. Anyways, on this note, recall I said that the goal was an "agreement of shared values." Start here. Begin by listing your values and frame these in the context of the conversation.

   As for the exact solution, it may very well be a matter of how you form beliefs vs. how your parents form beliefs. Being able to describe your epistemology and how it differs from their own is a valuable tool. However, it can often be difficult to carry a heavy conversation for long enough to get to the root of this. I point back at Fred Kofman, and having a well of infinite empathy. You have to be willing to commit a lot of time.

   And to that last point (committing a lot of time), there are some stories out there of people being converted both to and from dis/misinformation. I've been thinking about this quite a bit over the last couple years. Fortunately, there are people who are better at this than I am. Jane Lytvynenko [2] is a wonderful disinformation reporter, and she puts out a lot of resources for how to spot fake news, how to look at evidence critically, how to critically examine online content, etc. She doesn't quite get to using Bayes' theorem, but dismissing fake news and contrived stories doesn't often rise to the level of needing Bayesian reasoning (although it does help!).

   With that said, I'm sorry that you're encountering this with your parents. While few have commented, I think more than a fair share of people are running into this issue more and more. The most important part is the empathy, and remembering your goal. After that, the best you can hope for is enough time and energy to help drive the point.

   [1] https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/uHYYA32CKgKT3FagE/hold-off-o... [2] https://twitter.com/JaneLytv

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2. kimscottNov 2015
   Here is some more about what I mean by radical candor being HIP (Humble, Helpful, Immediate, In person, Private criticism / Public praise, do not Personalize). What follows are some additional thoughts on what that means. But, please don’t let the additional thoughts or the acronym paralyze you. Whatever you do, don’t sit there saying nothing trying to remember what I stands for. For the vast majority of people, the really important thing is to just say what you think.

   H is for Humble.

   You can’t care personally or challenge directly if you’re not humble. It’s really hard to care at a personal level about somebody if you feel superior. When one person feels intrinsically “better” than another, a good relationship is impossible. And, you can’t challenge directly and be open to the reciprocal challenge if you’re not humble enough to realize you may be wrong.

   The first time a person in a class I was teaching raised his hand asked me how to be humble, I sat there with my mouth open. It was all I could do not to break into the song from the 70’s show HeeHaw. “Oh lord, it’s hard to be humble, when you’re perfect in every way!” How to answer a question like that?? I didn’t take it seriously until about the 20th time somebody asked me. Finally, I realized it was a legitimate question and I needed to give a serious answer.

   The reason is that criticism does feel arrogant. How can you feel humble and tell somebody when their work isn’t good enough at the same time? It can feel equally arrogant to tell people when their work is great. I often bristle at praise because it sounds insincere or patronizing or somehow belittling. When somebody says to me, “I’m so proud of you!” I think, “Who are you to be proud of me?” It’s the fear of sounding arrogant that sometimes makes me hesitate to give praise to people properly.

   Ask questions: I’ve always found it really helpful to offer both criticism and praise in a spirit of inquiry rather than a spirit of self-righteous certainty. When criticizing, I try to keep top of mind the possibility that I may be wrong. The other person might learn something from my criticism--but it’s equally possible that I will learn something from their rebuttal to my criticism. Put another way, it’s always made it much easier for me to criticize somebody when I realize there are two benefits to doing so. One, I may be helping them to fix something that is wrong. Two, I am giving them an opportunity to fix my opinion, which is wrong. The same goes for praise: if you see something impressive, ask a question. How did you do that? What gave you that idea? Can you teach others to do that? etc. This shows that you are not some godly arbiter of what’s good and what’s bad, but a fellow learner.

   Power trips you up: Nothing is more corrupting to humility and to giving a damn than formal power. Part of what gives bosses trouble with humility is that they have a little bit of power. Part of what makes it hard for employees to be radically candid with their bosses is the power thing. Part of Google’s management genius was removing that power. But even if you don’t work at a company like Google, you can remember that you can easily get another job, and so find the courage to speak your mind.

   Don’t let yourself get too mad/hungry/tired: Most people find it harder to be humble when they’re mad, hungry, or tired.If I focus on managing my emotions it’s easier for me to prevent my ego from getting the better of me.

   “Left hand column” and “ladder of inference:” Chris Argyris developed a method useful for keeping oneself humble called the “left hand column.” The idea here is that what you are really thinking, which is often arrogant, leaks out into what you say. If you can be more conscious of what you’re thinking, and can adjust it, you can probably find a productive way to address it. For example if you are thinking, ‘Joe is a bozo and shouldn’t even be at the company,’ you’re not likely to be “HIP” when you criticize the typos you saw in his last ten presentations. However, if you realize what you’re thinking and dig a little deeper, you may realize that you’ve hit the bozo bit too fast. Or, you may realize you should be helping Joe to find a job that’s a better fit for him, not coaching him in a role he’ll never be great at. Argyris also came up with the “ladder of inference” tool. This can help you be humble enough to question your assumptions and get out of recursive loops as you judge people.

   “Ontological Humility:” Fred Kofman wrote a great chapter called Ontological Humility in his book Conscious Business. The idea is that when you remember your criticism may be wrong, it can help you to challenge others in a way that invites a reciprocal challenge, and helps you see things from the other person’s point of view.

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