I Hate You - Don't Leave Me

What Hacker News says

1. antmanMay 2024
   The things I have lived. I have seen a person turn to robot then to a person again multiple times. If they came close to someone they freaked and turned to stereotypical actions and wording, and then when emotionally sober they would try to pick up the pieces of the self sabotage.

   I studied heavily for two years, they gave me their attention. I read reddit and relationship columns and I recognize the keywords. "Independence", "We must", "Disappeared, ghosted"

   See these two videos:

   Ignore the username https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b_H0V1-kQbE

   Heidi Priebe all vids but specifically this it is titled fearful avoidance but it is for everything https://youtu.be/5jk7PAa8D1o?feature=shared

   user igorramazanov gave a great list. If one has trauma such as consistent nightmares avoid reading the "Body keeps the score", it is about cptsd and it is too strong and triggering leave for later. cptsd is relevant to attachment problems but not directly. let me also add another tangentially relevant but very good book about borderline personality disorder "I hate you, don't leave me'

   After someone has realized that not knowing why he dislikes all his partners for no reason after while is due to trauma healing can start. It takes 3-5 years of therapy and a secure partner through that journey.

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2. RegardsyjcSep 2018
   The book I Hate You - Don't Leave Me helped me a lot, especially the SET communication skills.

   Learning DBT skills (The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Handbook) helped me a lot too especially emotional regulation.

   Having an amazing therapist who was supportive as well as a professional and personal support network helped too.

   I have borderline and I think working on myself has ironically made me a much better communicator. So there's hope.

   I don't know if this is the right explanation but I think someone with BPD is essentially a burn victim except with feelings. I am super sensitive and extreme. You're either amazing or the worst person in the world. When things get bad, I don't have any memory of good times. I can only see black or white- no grey.

   This comes from my childhood. My parents were extremely abusive. My dad told me to kill myself when I was suicidal. That's how I survived my childhood. I needed a clean slate and forget all the bad things. Today it hurts me more than it helped me then.

   In the past when I got upset, it was instantly I think we should break up. The pain whatever it was, was intolerable. And all those break up pains add up. Not only do they hurt me, but it hurt my partners. And I didn't feel like I could survive the feeling of being broken up with, so I was always trying to protect myself by breaking up first. It's still my first instinct whenever I get a whiff of something going bad - shit, do I need to end this? But now I keep it to myself. I wait. I put my crazy emotions together. Talk calmly. Use a lot of I statements. When you did this, it made me feel this. I'm lucky to have a ridiculously supportive partner. I think he's an alien or at least superhuman. We've never raised our voices at each other once since we've been together except to say I can't hear you from the bathroom haha.

   I've gotten a lot better. I'm still working on myself. I hope this helps a little and I wish you and your girlfriend the best.

   https://www.verywellmind.com/support-empathy-truth-set-for-b...

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3. dannywOct 2017
   I wonder if Darius has heard of Borderline Personality Disorder. I immediately thought of it reading this post. I suffer from BPD myself, and I've noticed far greater symptoms of wanting to quit compared to people around me - the grass is always greener, and I want something until I have it. That has resulted in very unstable jobs, careers, and relationships.

   Just like Darius's post, actually following up and quitting didn't make me happier. Rather, worse. There's a honeymoon period, but soon I disliked the new thing, and wanted to go back to the old thing.

   Deep down, it turns out this is a symptom of not loving myself and being happy with who I am - and feelings of neglect, shame, and guilt from childhood.

   I seek new jobs, experiences, friends, and relationships because I think that will make me content - but that's flawed as you will never love anything until you love yourself; and surprisingly my empty self identity is the cause of hating programming, or hating product management, or hating my work.

   Other symptoms of BPD are seeing things in black and white ('splitting'), wide emotional swings, intense fears of detachment, chronic feelings of emptiness, and more. Those are usually traced to childhood abandonment; whether it's losing parents, moving countries, or a troublesome upbringing.

   If any of this sounds like you, I'd suggest looking more into BPD. There's a book called "I hate you, don't leave me"; that while not perfect and critiqued in some areas, is a great explanation of BPD. But also, don't self-diagnose; don't think you have BPD just because you want to quit.

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4. jaredhansenDec 2017
   If people get one thing and only one from this thread, it should be this: the vast majority of popular work on BPD (e.g., Stop Walking on Eggshells, mentioned below, and "I hate you, don't leave me", etc.) is based on research that is decades out of date and substantially obsolete. If you want to learn about BPD, start with the research on Dialectical Behavior Therapy [0] and grow from there.

   Before you write off BPD people or assume you know how this disorder works or what the prognosis is, take the time to read up on more recent work in this field. BPD is one of the least-understood diagnoses in the DSM, and most people who write about it appear completely unaware of the last ~30 years of research on this disorder.

   [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy

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