Getting the love you want

What Hacker News says

1. serpixDec 2023
   Harville Hendrix - Getting The Love You Want

   Levine Heller - Attached

   thread
2. wencMay 2023
   Yes, I learned about Imago dialogue through a book called "Getting the Love You Want" (which sounded gimmicky, but it was recommended by a therapist friend, and I've found it surprisingly practical, not just for intimate relationships but also just relationships with friends and coworkers). The book Nonviolent Communication also basically teaches a similar structured conversation technique. It's the stuff that most marriage therapists teach, but it was a revelation to me.

   I'm a brutally direct communicator (and I justify myself by saying "I'm honest and expect honesty from people") but I also tend to damage relationships (surprise! communication is not about 1 person's preference but 2). After many relationships that didn't work out, I decided to take a step back and ask myself what I could be doing better, and one of the things was learning to communicate in a way that others found less alienating, without compromising my own style. I stumbled upon the Imago technique and it has worked really well.

   One of the major takeaways for me that it is important to validate people and be curious, whether you agree with them or not. I used to think this was a contradiction, and that bad ideas need to be corrected immediately, but I've since learned that it's possible to validate people without agreeing with them. The point is to make them feel heard first, and then I can present my own view. Here's an example of how validation works (without agreeing): https://www.onsolidgroundcounseling.com/post/2015/08/31/crea...

   Show morethread
3. bradknowlesMay 2023
   I was introduced to Imago therapy many years ago, back when I was still just dating the woman who is now my wife. I've recommended the book "Getting the Love You Want" to several people.

   I can tell you this much -- of all the things I've done in my life, and all the various types of pain I've suffered, the "active listening" part required of Imago is the very hardest thing I've ever done. And probably the most important.

   Show morethread
4. ruraljurorAug 2015
   Communication is the key. For example, I'm trying to figure out from your post what the actual problem is. It seems like you don't know, which is not exactly a surprise. You say "I think she resents my being in her space during weekdays." First of all, you can ask her what the problem is. Second of all, you can try to give some breathing room by working in a coffee shop or something.

   Of course that one issue is not everything, but it is something that could be worked on in the short term.

   I highly recommend the book Getting the Love You Want.

   edit: Rereading this, it sounds more brusque than I intended. Also, if you do ask your wife what is wrong, that can obviously be a charged conversation. Getting the Love You Want has a technique called the imago dialogue. Even if your wife (who seems reluctant to therapy) won't engage in this, you can still use the techniques yourself. For this particular conversation you want to focus on mirroring, that is: let her speak, then repeat what she told you and ask if you summarized it correctly. If you're not both on the same page, this may end up being one-sided. The point is to make sure you understand her point before you make yours (or vice versa). You will often see you're upset about very different things.

   The book is really fascinating.

   Show morethread