The Gifts of Imperfection
A deep book about Courage, Compassion and Connection; these are decisions (mind sets) to lead our way to being wholehearted, to loving ourselves and others. We can not give what we do not have. Real authenticity and love come from within. The journey requires us to get deliberate through deep meditation and prayer, get inspired to make new and different choses in our lives and finally to get going, take action and make each day a new beginning.
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What Hacker News says
- Overall, I enjoyed the essay and agree with the messaging. However, there were a few sentences that threw me off. I personally struggle with self-esteem issues, and I found these words extremely triggering, despite being sandwiched between words of self-affirmation.
> My best wasn't good enough. I'm not good enough.
> I don't mind feeling ugly or low-status or whatever -- I know my place.
> I don't need (or deserve) your sympathy.
It's difficult to tell if this is just rhetoric / sarcasm, or if the writer successfully processed through these initial feelings. Either way, I take these moments seriously because it's not healthy to let these feelings grow.
If you feel like you're struggling, I encourage you to talk to someone -- preferably a therapist, but anyone supportive works like a friend or family.
If you're adamant about not talking to someone, consider reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown.
- Better options are available than prescription drugs in almost all cases. Almost all psychiatric medicines are essentially placebos -- often with harmful side effects including psychosis and where treating side-effects lead to a treadmill of medications. See: "Deadly Psychiatry and Organised Denial" by Peter C. Gøtzsche https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26214735-deadly-psychiat... "Deadly Psychiatry and Organised Denial explains in evidence-based detail why the way we currently use psychiatric drugs does far more harm than good. Professor, Doctor of Medical Science, Peter C. Gøtzsche documents that psychiatric drugs kill more than half a million people every year among those aged 65 and above in the United States and Europe. This makes psychiatric drugs the third leading cause of death, after heart disease and cancer. Gøtzsche explains that we could reduce our current usage of psychotropic drugs by 98% and at the same time improve patients' mental and physical health and survival. It can be difficult, however, to come off the drugs, as many people become dependent on them. As the withdrawal symptoms can be severe, long-lasting and even dangerous, slow tapering is usually necessary. In his book, Gøtzsche debunks the many myths that leading psychiatrists - very often on drug industry payroll - have created and nurtured over decades in order to conceal the fact that biological psychiatry has generally been a failure. Biological psychiatry sees drugs as the "solution" for virtually all problems, in marked contrast to the patients' views. Most patients don't respond to the drugs they receive but, unfortunately, the psychiatrists' frustrations over the lack of progress often lead to more diagnoses, more drugs and higher doses, harming the patients further."
For people facing psychological issues, see the resources I've collected in the "Health and Wellness" section of this reading list I have put together: https://github.com/pdfernhout/High-Performance-Organizations...
If you can only look at one resource, read or watch something by Stephen Ilardi, PhD, author of "The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beat Depression without Drugs", whose advice is built around this quote of his: "We were never designed for the sedentary, indoor, sleep-deprived, socially-isolated, fast-food-laden, frenetic pace of modern life."
Dr. Ilardi prescribes an easy-to-follow, clinically proven program that harks back to what our bodies were originally adapted for and what they continue to need with these six components:
There are many other books as like the excellent "Why We Sleep" by Matthew Walker or many on nutrition (e.g. Fuhrman, Weil, Mackey, etc.) that examine aspects of this issue -- but what makes Ilardi's book so useful is bringing so many of these ideas together in a historical context. Ilardi says his advice is general and some people with specific traumas underlying their depression may need additional specific help (such as in "The Body Keeps The Score" book on recovery from trauma mentioned below).* Brain Food [supplement with Omega 3s; remember your brain is mostly fat] * Don't Think, Do [avoid excessive rumination by doing things] * Antidepressant Exercise [aerobic exercise is medicine] * Let There Be Light [get natural sunlight and supplement as needed with vitamin D3] * Get Connected [engage in face-to-face social activities regularly] * Habits of Healthy Sleep [get enough sleep by following basic guidelines]Other books that address specific aspects of depression and related issues of addiction, trauma, and perfectionism (and how they are at root deep cultural issues related to recent Western lifestyle changes) include:
For people dealing with the special case of a specific trauma for themselves or a loved one, consider reading "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel A. van der Kolk. As the blurb for that says, "Trauma is a fact of life. Veterans and their families deal with the painful aftermath of combat; one in five Americans has been molested; one in four grew up with alcoholics; one in three couples have engaged in physical violence. Such experiences inevitably leave traces on minds, emotions, and even on biology. Sadly, trauma sufferers frequently pass on their stress to their partners and children. Renowned trauma expert Bessel van der Kolk has spent over three decades working with survivors. In The Body Keeps the Score, he transforms our understanding of traumatic stress, revealing how it literally rearranges the brain’s wiring -- specifically areas dedicated to pleasure, engagement, control, and trust. He shows how these areas can be reactivated through innovative treatments including neurofeedback, mindfulness techniques, play, yoga, and other therapies. Based on Dr. van der Kolk’s own research and that of other leading specialists, The Body Keeps the Score offers proven alternatives to drugs and talk therapy -- and a way to reclaim lives."* "Lost Connections: Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression – and the Unexpected Solutions" by Johann Hari. From the last chapter of the book: "You aren’t a machine with broken parts. You are an animal whose needs are not being met. You need to have a community. You need to have meaningful values, not the junk values you’ve been pumped full of all your life, telling you happiness comes through money and buying objects. You need to have meaningful work. You need the natural world. You need to feel you are respected. You need a secure future. You need connections to all these things. You need to release any shame you might feel for having been mistreated." * "Chasing the Scream: the First and Last Days of the War on Drugs" by Johann Hari * "The Globalization of Addiction: A Study in Poverty of the Spirit" by Bruce Alexander * "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction" by Gabor Maté, MD * "The Story You Need to Tell: Writing to Heal from Trauma, Illness, or Loss" by Sandra Marinella * "Writing Hard Stories: Celebrated Memoirists Who Shaped Art from Trauma" by Melanie Brooks * "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown * "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Brené BrownFor those facing specific issues related to suicide for themselves or a loved one, a key book is: "Out of the Nightmare: Recovery from Depression and Suicidal Pain" by David Conroy. By reconceptualizing suicide as an involuntary action that occurs when total pain exceeds resources for coping with pain, David Conroy provides a morally neutral way for organizations and society to think about suicide prevention in a productive way. Rather than focus mainly on intervening in a crisis, organizations and societies can rethink their operations to reduce participant pain and to increase coping resources. This helps everyone -- not just those who have reached a threshold where pain is very close to coping resources. Aggregate pain includes physical pain, emotional pain, and social pain. Reducing pain in any area by even a small amount may bring a person below a threshold for suicide. Similarly there are many types of coping resources from interacting with a friend, to going to a funny movie, to receiving adequate health care, to interacting with a pet. There are also some short-term coping strategies like denial or drinking which may have long-term negative consequences that become new sources of pain when done to excess.
As David Conroy says: "Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. That's all it's about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn't even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could. Don't accept it if someone tells you, "That's not enough to be suicidal about." There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain. When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources. You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible."
(I write this in memory of my friend from Princeton, Robin Rochlin Cooperman, M.D. Psychiatry, 1963-2010. I can wish that she was still alive to talk with about all this newly emerging information about increasing wellness in a wide variety of ways beyond prescription pharmaceuticals. And also I write this in memory of other friends I have lost along the way...)
- I was recommended "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown for this problem. As self-help books go it's decidedly light on woo.
- “To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody but yourself – means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight – and never stop fighting.”
–EE Cummings
With an assist from Brené Brown and _The Gifts of Imperfection_
- The number of people responding is very encouraging to see.
To answer the question, I echo and endorse what one user has already posted -- practice gratitude and be nice to yourself. It's very easy to get caught-up thinking we're not enough these days, and social media likely exacerbates it. I'm not going to tell you to get off of social media, but try appreciating all the things you do well and find things you like about yourself.
Lastly, I'm not too big into self-help books, but if there's one that's helped me it's The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. The gist is start loving yourself for who you are, recognize that you are enough, and understand the difference between shame and guilt (and why guilt is ok but shame is bad).
- I found reading The Gifts of Imperfection (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01N4KQI11), by Brene Brown, really helped reframe "imposter syndrome" for me.
“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”
You feel less like an imposter when you realise that nobody is perfect. You can embrace your imperfections and be satisfied with who you are today.
As a side note, this "Ask HN" question is one of the many reason I enjoy reading HN. It's a vulnerable question that has provoked several honest and thoughtful answers. It's not a "Top 10 way to overcome imposter syndrome" blog post...there's no link baiting or profit to be made. I suspect that asking the question will go along way to making the OP feel a lot better...it's tough to feel like an imposter when the response from the community is so positive.
