Name: Hold on to your kids
ISBN: 9780375760280

Hold on to your kids

Canadian doctors Neufeld and Maté woke up one day to find that their children had become secretive and unreachable. Pining for time with friends, they recoiled or grew hostile around adults. Why? The problem, Neufeld and co-writer Maté suggest, lies in a long-established, though questionable, belief that the earliest possible mastery of the rules of social acceptance leads to success. In a society that values its economy over culture, the book states, the building of strong adult/child attachments gets lost in the shuffle. Multiple play dates, day care, preschool and after school activities groom children to transfer their attachment needs from adults to their peers. They become what the authors call "peer oriented." The result is that they squelch their individuality, curiosity and intelligence to become part of a group whose members attend school less to learn than to socialize. And these same children are bullying, shunning and murdering each other, as well as committing suicide, at increasing rates. The authors' meticulous exploration of the problem can be profoundly troubling. However, their candidness and exposition lead to numerous solutions for reestablishing a caring adult hierarchy. Beautifully written, this terrific, poignant book is already a bestseller in Canada.

What Hacker News says

maerF0x0Jan 2026

Parental controls aren't a good substitution for awareness, deep meaningful connection with your child, giving them a rich and fulfilling offline life, teaching them how to navigate dangers rather than isolating them from reality.

Hold on to your kids[1] and instead of having to spy on them you will know them.

Yes, Parental controls could, in theory, provide many many more protections. But given the trajectory of tech, capitalism, and the USA at large (and the culture it exports), I do not see that pragmatically happening to a relevant degree by the time I have children.

[1] - https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375...

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HenryBemisJul 2025

Books: Siddartha: to think about myself and my changes/voyage through life.

  Half-time: to think what-the-hell-comes-next (only if you are 40+)(it won't resonate with a 20yo)

  Systemantics, Nexus: if you work in mega-big-corpos this will save your life

  Hold on to your kids, The anxious generation: if you got kids

  Strong Fathers Strong Daughters: (and mothers/sons) if you got kids (too Christian-y for my taste but an amazing 'manual' to manage the relationship with your kid(s))

  1984, Animal Farm, Gulag Archipelago: ...

  Light on Yoga: (also do practice yoga, it's good for most-if-not-all)

You asked for "one book"... but.. life.. is not 'one' thing. Systemantics (and Dilbert) have helped me stay afloat at work. Siddartha gave me a perspective in live about myself, the different 'people' I have been throughout my life.

All the listed ones are books I read and read again every few years. They shaped me the first time I read them, keep me 'grounded'/taking stock/thinking the 'change' in me and my life. I see them as a 'check-diff' and how I have changed/evolved/devolved since the last time I read it/them.

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vincnetasMar 2025

we're in for a rough ride when current overstimulated generation grows up. kids from 12 months watching youtube because parents need them to sit still? damn thats scary. even two year olds in my opinion is too young.

"Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" talks about this that screen time is replacing connection (bond) between kids and parents. and bond is of most importance for raising children. which if you missed the train cant be created later (only mended)

our family was going that path (media consumption), but made a change (couple weeks of tantrums) and now it reflects quite positively. So i guess the main issue is to not overuse. even if the show is "really good"

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fatherzineDec 2023

100%

Very hard to turn down the volume as an individual actor. It's a social dilemma (sic). I remember a recent poll indicating students would pay for /others/ to use their devices less.

It is no random accident that the Church sees itself as the 'body of Christ'. That body, social fabric in modern parlance, is splintering at accelerating pace, thanks to digital comms -- thanks facebook. Uncharted rough waters for a social species like ourselves.

A good summary on X -- please ignore the tacky username. Similar sentiments in Gabor Mate's 'Hold on to your Kids'.

https://twitter.com/TheBrometheus/status/1725303595908628684

"Most people use therapy the way humans are meant to connect with our 5 safety net systems, which we retained even up to 100 years ago:

Immediate family

Extended family (kin)

Family friend network (kith)

Local community

Religious community

All 5 are now broken."

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magicink81Jul 2023

Yes, you will have more time later. Now is the time to invest as much attention as you can into your child. It is the investment you can make now that will pay off massively later on.

Recommended reading: Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375...

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magicink81Jul 2022

I wish I had read Gabor Mate MD and Gordon Neufeld's book "Hold on to your kids"

Here's Chapter one from the book on their website: https://drgabormate.com/book/hold-on-to-your-kids/hold-on-to...

There is a window of time from ages 0 to 5 in which critical aspects of a child, their relationship to their parents and family, and the broader world are developed. Our western industrial culture does not support parents and families in their attempts to parent well during that window of time. In order to parent well then, you will most likely need to develop a counter-cultural lifestyle. This book can help you understand why that is important, and how you might do it yourself.

Parenting is a massive undertaking and an unparalleled joy. Congratulations!

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