Passages
Identifies patterns of age-related change and compares the developmental rhythms of men and women, deepening understanding of the stresses experienced by couples during the various stages of adult life.
Stats for nerds
3recommend
7mentions
4people
2013–2024years
57% recommend43% neutral
Mentions per year
What Hacker News says
- Read Sheehy's Passages. This has a complex answer that seems well-addressed in the comments: 0-10, parents usually cool, 11-22, parents usually annoying as hell, 23-40, broad range of feelings towards parents, 50-60, (re)appreciate parents.
Of course, 40+ can also be summed up as "damn, wish i had done X or Y or ...". Life is shorter than you realize and empathy is a valuable trait. If mistakes were made and you get the chance to remedy them, consider doing so. If you become a parent, do better.
- Read Passages by Gail Sheehy. Was close pre-teen, while a goody two-shoes, I pushed them away a bit teen years (most of which were spent away at school). Got rather frustrated with them early working/married years but it recovered rather nicely afterwards. Now, as they're long gone, would be nice to have them to talk to.
They had baggage which I ended up carrying a bit. Folks, don't "stay together for the kids" as the kids know what's going down. Balancing sux.
- It was a lot sooner for me than 4 years, it was only about 3 months when I asked her during a phone call whether it was worthwhile me waiting for us to get back together again. She said 'No'. So it was like a switch being flicked. I moved on past there.
Mind you, your ex-wife has more or less said the same thing to you by actually getting the divorce already.
Face it. It's over. She doesn't (can't !!) matter to you any more. Turn the page. Burn your bridges. Step out the back, Jack. I was 42 when I had to start again. Let me tell you that old saying is correct: "Life begins at 40!."
You need to work on your lowish self-esteem. It's what's telling you that there can't be anybody else after her. But yes there can. Read up on some books regarding how couples split up. A good one for me (but 30 years ago) was a book called 'Passages' by Gail Sheehy, which explained what mental and emotional changes occur in people as they get older and go through the various stepping-stones of life. I was able to see why my wife left me too. And also to understand that the marriage break-up wasn't all my fault but was due to both of us.
Oh, my story? Almost exactly 12 months later I moved in with a woman who I later married. We've been together now for 34 years.
- Read Gail Sheehy's Passages. It talks about the different phases of life - life in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s etc. Without that reference, when there's unease it's hard to know what's "you" and what's "just being human". I certainly found it very enlightening.
- I mis-remembered: The Book was titled "Passages" by Gail Sheehy.
And my confusing typo above was supposed be "I'm not sure" instead of "I'm so sure"
- There is this book
https://www.amazon.com/Passages-Predictable-Crises-Adult-Lif...
which factually points out that most people go through several crises in their adult life. As a rule of thumb you have one every seven years or so. I had one around 30, another in my early 40s, and another at 49. If you read between the lines in Freud you could also get the picture that a psychoanalysis would be likely to span the duration of such a crisis (say 18 months) and improve the outcome you get.
The author, Gail Sheehy, gave a talk at Ithaca College about a decade ago and actually said that she disowned that book for a few reasons:
(1) Passages is positive for divorce as a way that people who are evolving at different rates and in different directions to realize themselves. She realized later on that divorce is overall highly destructive.
(2) The paths that people take aren't quite so predictable.
(3) Passages was based on a study of graduates of an elite school, one thing that stands out is that none of the case studies consider serious deprivation, in fact you never once hear that somebody wanted to do X or Y but didn't because they couldn't afford it. In the sense that the experience of most people is "dark matter" you might want to read
https://www.amazon.com/Silences-Tillie-Olsen/dp/1558614400
In particular divorce might work out well for somebody like Bill Gates or Elon Musk who can trade in their tired old nag for a hot young thing but for most ordinary people and their families it's profoundly harmful.
Sheehy went on to write numerous more books on the same subject.
