Mating in Captivity
Why does great sex so often fade for couples who claim to love each other as much as ever? Can we want what we already have? Why does the transition to parenthood so often spell erotic disaster? Does good intimacy always make for good sex? Ether Perel takes on these tough questions, grappling with the obstacles and anxieties that arise when our quest for secure love conflicts with our pursuit of passion. She invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home. In her twenty years of clinical experience, Perel has treated hundreds of couples whose home lives are empty of passion. They describe relationships that are open and loving, yet sexually dull. What is going on? In this explosively original book, Perel explains that our cultural penchant for equality, togetherness, and absolute candor is antithetical to erotic desire for both men and women. Sexual excitement doesn't always play by the rules of good citizenship. It is politically incorrect. It thrives on power plays, unfair advantages, and the space between self and other. More exciting, playful, even poetic sex is possible, but first we must kick egalitarian ideals and emotional housekeeping out of our bedrooms.While Mating in Captivity shows why the domestic realm can feel like a cage, Perel's take on bedroom dynamics promises to liberate, enchant, and provoke.
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2018–2023years
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What Hacker News says
- If people consider marriage as a contract of exchange, then it is already a form of legalized prostitution. Monogamy might be a bigger underlying problem.
Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity in a good read on this topic.
- 'Mating in Captivity' by Esther Perel is also quite good in terms of realizing whether you can meet the Needs of your partner and what to do if you cant.
- I really like Wait Buy Why's take on "How to Pick a Life Partner":
- https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner.html
- https://waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner-part-2.html
And the follow-up of sorts, "The Marriage Decision: Everything Forever or Nothing Ever Again"
- https://waitbutwhy.com/2016/09/marriage-decision.html
I think it takes a super pragmatic (maybe to the point of being un-romantic) approach to dating and finding a partner, including many "litmus tests" of sorts. I know at least one person who has written a "relationship design document" (classic PM move) outlining what matters to them in a relationship, citing sources like this as well as lived experience.
I also enjoyed reading Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity": https://amzn.to/3lho4gP, which discusses the tension between eroticism and stability (what it takes to get into a relationship vs what it takes to stay in a relationship).
I do agree with the premise that "humans are flawed and you'll be accepting that both you and your partner are human" as well as "you will need to invest in your relationship to make it work".
- Mating in Captivity - Esther Perel
She takes a post-modern stance on creating relationships that work rather than just following society’s prescribed path.
- Enjoyed the below:
The Beginning of Infinity - David Deutsch
Dear Friend, From My Life I Write To You in Your Life - Yiyun Li
Hillbilly Elegy - JD Vance
Inadequate Equilibria - Eliezer Yudkowsky
The Neapolitan Novels - Elena Ferrante
Mating In Captivity - Esther Perel
Our Mathematical Universe - Max Tegmark
Radical Candor - Kim Scott
Scale - Geoffrey West
The Seventh Day - Yu Hua
Somebody with a Little Hammer - Mary Gaitskill
Stubborn Attachments - Tyler Cowen (ebook)
What Do You Care What Other People Think? - Richard Feynman
