Reinventing your life
a miracle and a must read for almost everybody!!!!!!!!!!
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What Hacker News says
- Your brain cannot "learn" to be sad. You can, however, learn maladaptive schemata: fundamental ways of viewing the world and oneself that can help a child get through adverse periods (like bullying and ostracization), but which are ultimately maladaptive and inaccurate in adulthood.
You might have come to believe, for instance, that you're fundamentally "different" or "unlovable", and that you can't expect to be socially accepted or loved.
These core beliefs, these schemata, are difficult but possible to change. Schema Therapy has had empirical success at doing so.
The subjective experience of changing a maladaptive schema is like teleporting from a miserable planet to a strange but much happier, more loving planet. You can be (much) happier than you think; you're just stranded on a miserable planet, one that would make anybody sad.
I'd suggest checking out Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young: it provides the tools you need to get to that happier planet, where you can feel safer and loved and accepted.
- There can be multiple reasons for your behavior.
What I think could help you the most is reading about schema therapy[1]. It's a therapeutic method which says we all carry certain lifetraps which we acquired during childhood.
Some lifetraps: - abandoment: you are afraid of being abandoned by a loved one - worthlessness: because of the way your parents treated, you feel that you don't have any value. You can't understand why anyone would love you, for example. - failure: you believe you can't accomplish anything in life
There are a few more.
I found this book very helpful in understanding Schema Therapy and the lifetraps that apply to me: https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-breakthrough-be...
- Considering the core symptom involves thinking your own problems are either nonexistent or caused by someone else, it makes sense why the shelves aren't overflowing with self help book for narcissists.
Things that did not help: -Books about people who were affected by narcissistic people. -All reddit groups about narcissism. -Writings of Vaknin and other famous narcissists.
Things that did help: -Reinventing Your Life by Young (general audience). -Schema Therapy by Young (professional audience). -Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations by Greenberg (professional audience). -Learning how to be aware when I'm splitting others or myself into black and white. (Much harder than it sounds. It's like trying to stop time.) -Regular appointments with a therapist. (Don't go expecting an 'atta boy'--expect to be pushed outside your comfort zone of false invulnerability and expect to resent your therapist with every cell in your body while this is happening. If you find them just giving you 'atta boys' you should get a different therapist). -Daily exercise. -Cutting ties with family of origin.
- From what I know, we feel less in order to not feel certain negative emotions we carry with us.
I discovered recently a book that says we carry with us some "lifetraps" we picked-up during childhood. The lifetraps are:
1. "Please, don't leave me!" - The Abandonment Lifetrap
2. "I can't trust you" - The Mistrust and Abuse Lifetrap
3. "I'll never get the love I need" - The Emotional Deprivation Lifetrap
4. "I don't fit in" - The Social Exclusion Lifetrap
5. "I can't make it on my own" - The Dependence Lifetrap
6. "Catastrophe is about to strike" - The Vulnerability Lifetrap
7. "I'm worthless" - The Defectiveness Lifetrap
8. "I feel like such a failure" - The Failure Lifetrap
9. "I always do it your way" - The Subjugation Lifetrap
10. "It's never quite good enough" - The Unrelenting Standards Lifetrap
11. "I can have whatever I want" - The Entitlement Lifetrap
One way we cope with them is by avoiding the feelings they cause and we do that by numbing ourselves.
LE: The book is called "Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior" by Jeffrey Young.
- Will read it after I finish 'Reinventing Your Life', another book that was recommended to me.
- I'll add to my Amazon cart. Currently reading: "Reinventing Your Life" and rereading "Think and Grow Rich" for the dozenth time.
I like to be the dumbest person in the room, I force myself into situations where my ego is starved so I can grow from the inside and learn at a deeper level. I'm currently learning Framer and React hoping to reapply to YC in the fall, I got rejected for Summer 2017.
Thanks a lot, this thread is something I'll refer to a lot. I want to respond to every reply but I just can't because of 'you're commenting too fast. slow down!' You're right about HN being the most helpful place for me. It's amazing how supportive this community is to anyone who is sincere.
