Boundaries
Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances -- Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions -- Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others -- Spiritual boundaries help us to distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator -- Often, Christians focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. When confronted with their lack of boundaries, they ask: - Can I set limits and still be a loving person? - What are legitimate boundaries? - What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? - How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? - Aren't boundaries selfish? - Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend offer biblically-based answers to these and other tough questions, showing us how to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends, co-workers, and even ourselves.
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6recommend
7mentions
7people
2010–2023years
86% recommend14% neutral
Mentions per year
What Hacker News says
- Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Levine and Heller [0] - this was really useful for understanding relationships and how I and others respond to relationships, love, work, etc. was rather eye opening to me.
Boundaries by Henry Cloud [1] - this seems like a basic concept and I thought I knew about this but this book helped. I expect there are others so reading one or two good ones will probably do, but this is the one I read.
Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl [2] - this is not about sex or relationships but about the meaning of life and why. It helped me think about how others view life and while initially I thought this was about professional and spiritual and intellectual purpose, I realized it’s also about finding and connecting with others and that helped me think about interacting with people on a romantic level rather than just with large groups or organizations. It’s a great book overall and probably fits into any person’s mind who is trying to figure out who they are and where they are in the world and where they want to be.
I’m middle aged and ended a decades long relationship a few years ago, so these books are helpful in updating and improving a worldview for sex and relationships.
[0] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9547888
- I always found the "Boundaries" (Henry Cloud) distinction here very useful.
It's OK to "hurt" someone - that is, if you are communicating the truth, your boundaries, your needs, you may hurt someone.
It's not OK to "harm" someone - that is, you do intentional/lasting damage to them through your actions. (My wording is not nearly as on point as the original author, but I hope you get the gist.)
Here's a snippet:
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/654449-there-is-a-big-diffe...
- Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This book helped me with empathy, boundaries, and self-criticism.
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud helped me to step back from taking responsibilities for people & things that are not mine. It also helped me to face choices I’ve made. Note: this book is tied to Christianity.
- The advice I've been given is forgiveness + boundaries.
This book is usually recommended [1], but you can discover your own style of setting boundaries by working with a therapist. (it will need to be tailored to your situation)
[1] https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Cont...
- Whoah. You need to create some serious boundaries with your in-laws.
Read this: https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/...
- Here's where I'm coming from: a student of psychology, sociology, anthropology, and history. Worked in the Helping Professions for 5+ years, lived in South Korea for over a hear, traveled to China a few times, and as such have made friends with several Asians back home in America. I think I can understand what the pressures are like from your friends and family, and I think I can understand why they feel the need to pressure you, at least to some small extent. However, I may be wildly off, in which case please ignore my ramblings, and I hope not to cause any more frustration for you.
Here's my real concern: not that you make money, or that you make your parents happy (or even that you make yourself happy), but that you are able to identify what is happening at the root of all this, and that you are able to navigate it. When that happens, you will become happy, and you will provide the time, the reason, and the opportunity for your parents to become happy about you, though whether or not they choose to is ultimately up to them, not you.
Here are my questions: What is the problem with your situation? (I can assume from what you've typed, but it isn't explicitly stated, and I hate assuming) Where does the problem come from? Where does your sense of identify originate?
My suspicion: there is an identity issue at the root of this (or at least near the root). We all get our identity from somewhere. We were all meant to get a healthy identify from our parents, though not all of us can. Many of us have parents who were not given their own healthy identity from their own parents, which makes it difficult to pass on a healthy sense of identity to us. Where there's a lack of identify (or unhealthy identity, these are essentially the same things with different terminology), poor boundaries are set in place. I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend <http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dap....
Your hesitancy to return to school may be wrapped up in the bad stuff you experienced there. That does not mean you should just go back and tough it out; it means that you have not healed from whatever happened. If you can heal from that (and without knowing what it is, I don't know where to point you), you may find yourself wanting to go back to school. (This imagination technique does not provide solid answers, just hints about what is going on in you. Take it with a grain of salt) Take a few minutes to imagine that you are 100%, completely healed from whatever bad stuff happened your freshmen year. Really let it sink in. Everything is fixed, and none of that stuff can ever happen again. If you are able to imagine that and let it go to the core of your being, do you still want to stay away from school?
If what I'm saying seems to fit so far, get that book. It is a pretty dry read, but the ideas are amazing. If what I'm saying does not fit, I apologize for taking your time. I'd really like to see you get through this, healed of any issues that could cause depression ever again for you.
